Jokes
Since golf is supposed to be fun, here are a few jokes to keep you smiling.
What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf. He was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on. "Sure," said the Pro, "What's your handicap?" Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman, "But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone?" "It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy. "Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16." The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle; again the businessman was surprised but decided to ask no questions. They arrived on the 1st hole, a par 4. "Please avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy. Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand. "That's the mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you." After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par 5. "Avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy. Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once more and a huge lion fell dead at his feet. "I've saved your life again," said the caddy. The 3rd hole was a par 3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg. As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly. "Why didn't you kill it?" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy, "this is the 17th handicap hole, you don't get a shot here." That's why you never lie about your handicap
Play this clip. It has to be the most detailed explanation on the swing I have ever heard. Take it with a grain of salt! images/pus9g1168315740.wmv
Golf - the four letter word explained
1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of
tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle.
2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once."
Golf - the four letter word explained...
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before
taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of
the phrase "maul it again."
Not a golf joke but funny!
Golf - the four letter word explained...
A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement
between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very
well.
An interesting thing about golf is that no matter
how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse.
Golf - the four letter word explained
- An interesting thing about golf is that no matter
how badly you play; it is always possible to get
worse.
- Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go
out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps
and miss every green. The next day you go out and for
no reason at all you really stink.
Golf - the four letter word explained...
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than
that, I won't play.
If your best shots are the practice swing and
the "gimme Putt", you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf - the four letter word explained...
Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself
too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
Golf - the four letter word explained...
Swing easy. Hit hard.
If you find yourself pleased that you locate
more balls in the rough than you actually have lost,
your focus is totally wrong and your personality might
not be right for golf...it is also just a matter
of time before the IRS investigates your business.
Golf - the four letter word explained...
Achieving a certain level of success in golf
is only important if you can finally enjoy the level
you've reached after you've reached it.
Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent
is you.
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at
this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
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Jesus, Moses, and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the
first
tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit
the ball onto the green.
Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard, but he
walked on water and stroked his ball to just short of the cup.
Then the old man with the beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit
the
ball with tremendous force, but it hooked badly. The ball bounced off
the clubhouse roof, hit the cart path, and rolled down the hill to a
pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.
A frog hopped over and picked up the ball; then an eagle swooped down,
snatched the frog, and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball,
and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus
and said, "I hate playing golf with your dad."
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It was a sunny morning, a little before 8.00am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.
"Would the gentleman on the women's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in
my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more, the man yelled:
"WOULD THE MAN ON THE WOMEN'S TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN'S TEE, PLEASE!!!"
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back...
"WOULD THE PERSON WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY KEEP QUIET AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT !!!"
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Negotiations between union members and their employer were
at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly
abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator
held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man,"
he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,
who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had
if he hadn't been sick!"
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A homicide investigator is called to an apartment and finds a woman holding a bloody 5-iron while standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband" "Yes," says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands to her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know... five, six, maybe seven times.... but just put me down for a 5."
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A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers.
Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons,
explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit
the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the
fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the
hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh...
you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
"Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted
tone.
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape..... He smiles and
asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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A wife is sitting in the living room watching TV, when all
of a sudden she hears her husband in the bedroom, swearing up
a storm. He is using every bad word in the book.
The wife runs into the bedroom to see what is going on. She
finds her husband just sitting on the bed. She asks her husband,
"Honey, what happened? Did you fall down and get hurt or something?"
The husband looks up and replies, "No, I'm fine. I'm just practicing."
The wife gets a real confused look on her face, and said,
"Practicing? Practicing for what?"
Then the husband says, "For the first time in a long time, I'm
going golfing tomorrow!"
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One great thing about golf carts, they can't count or make fun of your swing!
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Golf: Eighteen irregular intervals of frustration mixed with several columns of poor math.
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How do you like my game caddy? "Not bad Sir, but I still prefer golf!"
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"Caddy, why do you look at your watch so much?" "It isn't a watch its a compass!"
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A golf ball is too big to fit into a gun and too small to aim.
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"You idiot, your ball hit me in the eye! I will sue you for 5 million dollars!" Sir I said fore. "I will take four!"
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Fred, why is your tongue so green? I spilled the Crown Royal on the last hole!
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"Why are there no worms in my divot caddy?" "They must be hiding under the golf ball Sir!"
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"Caddy, how would you play this lie?" "Under an assumed name Sir!"
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I just got a new set of clubs for my wife. Great trade!
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Golf Pro. "First tee the ball." "I tee the ball what cwub do I use?"
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"Usual handicap today Sir?" "Yup, wife and kids "
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No matter what I do I always top the ball. "Try teeing it upside down!"
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"Caddy, what is 4=5=3?" "Nine, Sir" "Your Hired!"
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A golfer yells Fore, takes six and writes five.
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Nothing counts in golf more than your opponent.
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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing
lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.
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Augusta: The hottest montha to play golfa
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Footjoy: Making a 12" putt for a birdie
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Grand slam: Throwing all your clubs down in disgust at the same time
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King cobras: Common hazards on an Asian golf courses
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Max fli: What Max better zip up before going to the first tee
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Pings: Noise that is made after your ball ricochets off a parked car
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Ryder Cup: Mens protective device for going out on horseback
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Tiger Woods: Forest area you don't want to go searching for your lost ball in.
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